Why cant women get happy endings?

After a long day, wouldn’t it be nice to just stop off on the way home, have a rubdown, get off, and then hit the couch for some serious R&R?

Sure, takeout and a bottle of Shiraz does the trick after a day from hell, but when you consider that men have that exact service on offer, it kind of sucks that we don’t.

For the uninitiated, a “happy ending” is exactly what it sounds like: an orgasm for the client, courtesy of the masseuse, at the end of the massage. Weirdly enough, while the rest of the beauty industry is largely dominated by female clientele, it’s a service almost exclusively aimed at men. In the United States, happy ending massages are illegal, but in Australia and many other parts of the world, it’s a perfectly legal service.

It wasn’t until I watched Karley Sciortino’s Viceland show “Slutever,” where she explored why women in New York are in the same boat, that I stopped to wonder why Australian women don’t have the option of paying someone to sort us out. Is it simply due to a lack of demand? Or is it because the female orgasm is a complex art intrinsically tied to an emotional connection? Perhaps it’s less out in the open and everyone is, in fact, doing it and I’m just late to the party (much like laser hair removal, I’m still behind the eight ball on that one).

So after a quick Google search of “female happy ending massage, Sydney,” I soon realized there’s little on offer aside from tantric therapy sessions and a couple of dodgy-looking guys operating from their spare bedrooms. Yes, the gender orgasm gap is indeed real.

Oddly, though, it used to be the other way around. Once upon a time, women could go to their family doctor for an orgasm. Females in the Victorian era suffering from “hysteria,” a disease where symptoms ranged from headaches to insomnia to irritability, were cured via clitoral stimulation. Hell, the vibrator was invented to relieve doctors, whose poor fingers frequently cramped from treating patients. (Some might argue that dealing with multiple work deadlines, Tinder dates and an unpaid credit card bill induces hysteria too, but moving on.)

So when you consider that 100 years ago, women could go to their doctor for a once-over, it makes no sense that today our options have been narrowed to either a DIY job or showing a man (by drawing a map and providing detailed instructions) how to do it right.

In that case, why don’t these services exist for women? According to sex expert and Womanizer ambassador Pamela Supple, it’s the payment factor that crosses a line many of us aren’t okay with.

“A lot of women are shy when it comes to their orgasms and vaginas. From my experience, they’d rather do it alone with a vibrator in the privacy of their own home, somewhere they’re more comfortable.”

Supple says while she thinks women are largely hesitant to pay for such services, for her male clients, it’s a different story.

“It’s pretty mechanical. They’re getting some attention paid to them, they have a nice massage and top it off an orgasm and then they walk out feeling good.”

“Women generally like to feel intimacy of some sort. Knowing the person they’re with is actually going to enjoy the moment and both of you are going to get out of it what you want and walk away thinking ‘Well, that was good’ instead of not feeling so great about it is important.”

But regardless of whether you seek out such services, go it alone, or partner up, getting off has a lot going for it.

“Orgasms help to facilitate deep relaxation by boosting endorphin levels and flushing cortisol — your body’s stress hormone released by the adrenal glands — out of your body. Along with being a natural stress relief and anti-inflammatory agent, these endorphins also aid in better sleep.”

What’s more, they make for a cheap Botox alternative to keep you looking younger for longer.

“The increased blood circulation in our brains during climax prompts nutrients and oxygen to travel to the brain, which assists with skin tissue repair,” explains Supple.

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